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November 13, 2009… I am embarking on a new journey in my life. Moving 1,269 miles away from my family and friends. Driving, I have a loving cousin 2 hours away, another awesome cousin and his wife less than an hour away,  aunt and uncle 3 hours away, and 2 of the most kind and generous friends of family that are letting me stay with them until I get my feet on the ground. Other than those, I am moving solo.

No best friend to hold my hand, no mother to cry on when I’ve had a bad day, no dad to fix the thing I just broke, no boy to cuddle with when I am feeling lonely, no big brother to fix when something goes wrong, and no sister to play dress-up with….

As the time gets closer, I become more and more aware of the choice I have made. What I have done. Wondering, what was I thinking?

I know that this is a huge step in my career and an experience I may never get the opportunity to to again, but it still doesn’t fix all the pressure I can feel building up as each day passes. Each day I feel it grow stronger. I know at some point I am going to crack. Will it be at home, all alone in the middle of yet another sleepless night? Will it be on Glee Wednesday, when I should be singing and laughing, but instead burst into tears? Will I break at my going away party when I see everyone close to me for the last time in… who knows how long? Or will it be when I am hugging my family as I get into my car to drive away….

I am sure many college students go through this feeling, and I assume that most of my friends who went away to state universities or private colleges and left their family behind know how I am feeling. I am not asking for pity or a pat on the back or anything. I am venting, and expressing my worries for this next step in my life.

My brother and sister have both left the house. Steve left when he married Veronica and moved into their place. Beth has left twice, once to venture across the pond to Spain as a foreign exchange student and again to attend Concordia Moorhead college. I remember one of her phone calls like it was yesterday. Beth was bawling on the phone, begging us to send her home from Spain, because she hated it there. My mom, dad and I all cried as we listened to our little Bethie-poo sobbing her misory from thousands of miles away, and we were left without a way to comfort her. It was horrible.

I am nervous for how I will do on my own. I will have people to lean on, so it won’t be like I am 100% on my own, and I will have electronic means of getting in touch with the people I love, but thats not the same as knowing that I can hug them anytime I want, or that I can just drive up to work and drop off lunch for my dad, or walk around the Cath Lab, saying hi to all the wonderful people and take a walk with my mom.

I feel so pathetic, because I am 22 years old, and I shouldnt be scared… But I am.

On the outside, I want people to know that I am excited for this move, and this huge step I have chosen to take. I want them to be happy for me, and not to worry. That is the last thing I would want for my family… To put pressure on themselves to try and help me get through this. But on the inside, I am playing tug-o-war with my feelings, and playing scenarios in my head of what I would do if this happened, or if this other thing happened….. and I was alone….

 

Only time will tell.

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Little heads up for anyone who wants this….

My new Florida address is:
5835 Roy Alex Dr
Milton, FL 32570-8783

Until further notice, my phone number will still be the same (if you don’t have it, just ask, and I’ll send it to you)

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