Proverbs 15:13 – “A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit.
Nehemiah 8:10 - “Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.’”
As some of you know, my license plate says XPRSJOY… I came up with that vanity plate on the first day of nursing clinicals. I was 35 minutes late, but super excited to begin nursing school. The teachers were doing an ice breaker exercise on an 8 1/2 x 11 inch piece of paper, and every nursing student had to design their own “MN license plate” that described themselves.
There were some pretty darn cute ones, about little white hats, their pets, kids, etc… The teachers were about 3/4 through the class, and I hadn’t thought of my license plate inscription yet, and they were coming to our table. And all of a sudden I came up with my plate!! I came up with my XPRSJOY. The teachers stopped the show-and-tell after who would then become my amazing nursing partner, Shawn, and I was never able to show anyone my ingenious idea for a license plate. 
Here is why I came up with XPRSJOY. You are all very smart, and have figured out what it stands for (“express joy”)… but you might not know why I picked those 7 special letters.
Back then, I was the happiest person. I am trying to remember now why I was so happy…. it was late August 2007. I’m pretty sure I was happily single then and working at Applebee’s. I lived at home with my family, and had just begun my last journey to becoming an RN. I showed my joy every single day, and ALWAYS had a smile on my face. I would jam in my car to music, and not care who was watching, because I was having fun! I would go through an entire day smiling from ear to ear and never question why.
Joy could have been my middle name. It seeped from my pores, and I was ecstatically happy 24/7. I was confident and vivacious.
Over the past few years, I am not sure what has happened, but the levels of joy in my life have decreased. Failed relationships, stress from school and graduation, NCLEX, lack of a nursing job, inability to go running, loss of faith in myself, losing faith in myself and my abilities, and all the stuff that happens in normal life…
The biggest joy-suck has got to be my past relationships. Churchy guy (aka ‘No-one’), and gym bf #1 and #2. They have sucked the joy out of my life like a needle and syringe to the very core of me. They have destroyed my trust, my faith in guys, my strength, and I often feel worthless and disposable because of what they have put me through.
Each and every one erased me from their lives like I never existed. As far as they are concerned, I never met them, and we never had anything between us… even friendship. They disappeared like a magic trick, and I havent heard from them since our break-ups, etc. I mean, what the heck? I dont think I was the best catch out there for them, but I’m worth a “hi” every now and then, right? … I guess not.
A good friend of mine asked me a bit ago why I didn’t think I was pretty, and he said that “[I know] guys would totally go for you.” And his fiancée said she agreed. With my track history in the past 3 relationships I have been in, I feel very disposable, and has not sat well with my self-esteem. Its not that I am saying I am fat, ugly, or any of those other negative things. I try not to think those things of myself (well… I mean, every now and then every girl has her bad days where she thinks those… right?), but I sometimes wonder. I dont know if guys go for me because of my looks, or smile, or hair color, or whatever anymore. I understand that there are guys out there who I could date, but I now wonder what their intentions are with me. Are they trying to sleep with me, make another girl jealous, using me as a rebound, trying to land the new girl at work first, or are genuinely interested in what is inside my head and heart.
I want to know where all my joy went.
…….Everything from this point up was written over a month ago. I saved a draft of it, and said I would come back to it and change it later… When I wrote it, I was really raw (I’ve smoothed out the edges and edited some stuff to make it a little more reader-friendly since then). As I opened up the draft to this blog today, I was faced with the screaming idea that there was obviously something wrong with me. Was I becoming depressed? As a nurse, I looked back on the words and evidence I had in front of me, I felt like I was looking at someone who was spiraling downward into a dark and bad place.
My pastor said some things last Sunday that really struck me…. He talked about how we put up a facade of what we want people to think we really are, but when we look at ourselves, are we really that person??? I am sure I have put up many facades in my life. Obviously, because nobody had noticed this change in my behavior, and I didnt notice anyone ask me why I was acting ”off” lately.
I guess when I think of what other people want me to be, it is often a smiling and sometimes overly chipper person. I am always smiling bright, and have a positive attitude on everything. I can run around and be the maid, the housekeeper, the cook, the baker, the babysitter, the cosmetologist, the shoulder to lean on, the seamstress, and the chauffeur… and I can do it all at the same time with a smile on my face.
Its not that I dislike doing those things. Those are often my favorite things to in a group. It gives me purpose, and a reason to be there. Its like I have earned my place in that specific get-together, and nobody can say that I am a ‘mooch’ or unwelcome, because I actually have something to contribute. I am not a funny person, or the life of the party. I am sometimes shy, and don’t want to expose myself to attention. I am not a very opinionated person, so I don’t comment on a lot of things. I don’t play a lot of games, am bad at sports, and am often a home-body. But I do like going out with friends, but as it usually goes with me, the larger the group, the smaller I feel, and the smaller my voice and personality become.
The last guy in my life really did a number on me. He ripped me apart for not being an outdoors person, for enjoying just being at my house for an entire day, not working out 7 days a week, and he trick-sold me on stupid ideas and thoughts that weren’t my own. He insulted my family and hurt my heart.
I hadn’t been able to get a nursing job. I have wanted to be a nurse for as long as I can remember, and once I get the chance, I know I will be great. I love healthcare, and I just want the chance to shine.
As I read this, a lot of it still applies to my life, but things are better.
I have finally been able to put some of the hurt from the last heart dissecting boyfriend behind me, and have somewhat started the healing process when it comes to men. I have gotten a nursing job, and have plans to move 1,300 miles away to start fresh. I have re-connected with my church in a way I have never before. I have a new hope for the goals in my life. I have a great circle of friends and family that hold me up when I feel my spine has been ripped from my back. I have a growing glimmer of hope that my prince charming is really out there. I have co-workers that make me smile and laugh until my face hurts, and they aren’t even trying. My managers and authority figures have been making me feel so worthwhile and valuable, and that is an amazing feeling. My family has been backing me up and pushing me towards my dreams and goals, when I sometimes can’t even begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I am a different person from the raw, hurt, exposed and vulnerable girl who started this blog. I am still fragile in my own ways, and need time to repair, but I am stronger today than I was yesterday. And I am going to keep getting stronger.
Laura… oh how you have grown up so much from the teenager that used to steal my skateboards and scooters, and ride them around acting like you were a pro. I have always known you to be such a strong person with an insurmountable drive to succeed in everything that you do, I had no idea that you even had this side to you. But then again we all have some skeletons in our closet, don’t we?
Writing what you wrote in this blog took a lot of courage. I can honestly say that I understand this because of what I personally have been through over the past four or five years of my life. You know a lot of that history as well. It’s amazing how much more of a perspective you can get on your own life just by writing/typing it out, isn’t it? It’s things like this that have taught me that some things just aren’t meant to be explained.
I came across a saying recently, and it says “In order for us to succeed, we must first have the option to fail. That is the key to life.”. I never really embraced that until I took a good, hard look at myself and the things I was doing and the way I was acting towards everyone. Recently me and a very VERY close friend of mine parted ways, and it was one of the most painful things I’d ever had to do in my entire life. But I realized that it was best for her to just focus on herself and battle her own personal demons before she can worry about taking on anything else. That whole experience made me just sit down and WRITE WRITE WRITE. And in that time, some things came through the pen onto the paper that scared the living hell out of me, some things were able to lift me higher than I’d been in as long as I care to remember. I will send you some on Facebook if you would like to read them (I will warn you… you may get scared and/or cry a little when you read them).
If there is one thing I have learned in this life it is that you cannot regret ANYTHING that at one point in your life felt like the right thing and made you smile. And that you CANNOT stop smiling, even if deep down you are fighting a fight that would put World War II to shame, because the world is not beautiful without it. You will triumph, Laura. I have complete faith in that. I will leave you with one thing, something that has kept me positive over the recent few years: “Smiles are like the sunlight of the human personality. No matter how much shows through the darkness, it always brightens someone’s day.”.
Oh and PS- you still owe me a Mike/Laura PIZZA NIGHT!
By: Mike Hill on October 31, 2009
at 7:31 AM
Great Post! Isn’t it funny how you can read something you wrote long ago and even though you see yourself in it- you almost don’t recognize yourself? I’m so glad you are starting to feel better and move past the sadness you were feeling. You are about to embark on one of the most exciting journeys and I have no doubt in my mind that it will be wonderful and so fulfilling and heal those gaps in your heart!
By: Ms. A. Topp. on November 1, 2009
at 3:12 AM