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Success can make you go one of two ways. It can make you a prima donna, or it can smooth the edges, take away the insecurities, let the nice things come out. -Barbara Walters

I’m insecure about everything, because… I’m never going to look in the mirror and see this blond, blue-eyed girl. That is my idea of what I’d like to look like. -Cher

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I find that sometimes I hate who I am.

I remember in high school, I was this outgoing happy person. I didnt have the best luck in terms of love and relationships (although I still dont have that one mastered yet), but I was happy. I had a bunch of cliques I hung out with, and although I was never one of the “main leaders of the clique” -  I was also never the “outcast” in any particular group (at least I dont think I was).

I have always struggled with my weight, and I have to admit, it is one thing that is on my mind 99% out of every day. I gain weight, then lose, then gain, then lose, and repeat. This rollercoaster is the way my life has been for as long as I can remember.

Pictures are a necessity in the Keeney house, and I find that I spend a lot of time thinking of things between the “ok, ready?” and “say cheese!”…..I wonder if I am at the right angle, if my hair is in my face, if the shirt I am wearing is pulled down enough, if my pants are too tight, if I am sucking in my stomach, if I am in front or behind someone, if I am smiling big enough, if I am smiling too big, if my tongue is sticking out from between my teeth, where my hands are placed…… and the list goes on. You will notice that I pose the same way in the majority of my pictures. Turned at an angle, with one hand on my hip, one leg slightly bent, my hair in front of my shoulders, and a slight tilt in my head. I have found through the many pictures my mom takes, it is the one that looks the best for me, and I stick to it.

Last year, I was at my lowest weight I have ever been (minus puberty and the process of growing up). I was at a record 127 lbs. I was running and working out almost every single day, and kept a food diary for all of my intake. I remember back to that time, and I was so proud of myself and what I had accomplished. Once school became so overwhelming and I had to choose between working out (which I loved with my whole heart) and getting better grades in my RN classes, the choice was unmistakably obvious…. I needed to pass Nursing school.

Now I am back into running again, thanks in big part to my cousin Jakey J. He is so amazingly supportive of me, and is a pure ball of energy when it comes to running and pepping me up. I had wanted to start running months before, but somehow lacked the motivation to start. I was having a hard time transitioning after graduating from nursing school (being busy 24/7 with school, homework, tests, NCLEX, and all my jobs… to only a having 1 job to worry about), and was only getting grief from my bf at the time - all he did was make me feel guilty and was very un-supportive. After becoming single, I felt this rush of freedom and all of a sudden I wanted to go out and do stuff again! I started my half marathon training, started going to the gym again, tried new fun things, went outside and ventured, and I am having a blast. I think God was showing me that this person wasn’t the right one for me, and the only way He was going to get through to me was by going to the extreme, and made me lack drive and motivation to do ANYthing. As my mom always says “hindsight is 20/20.” After the break-up, I looked back, and everything was ALL wrong and there were red flags all over the place that I didnt see or just plain ignored.

I hate it when mom is right

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I find that when I look back on the times when I was “fluffier,” I remember being unhappy about being overweight, but I never really let it get in the way of my personality. I was not defined by my weight back then, but over the years, I have allowed that scale to change who I have become.

I am still a happy, chipper and outgoing person… there is no doubt about that. But I have noticed that my personality has sometimes taken a 180 degree turn, and not for the better.

I used to always think in high school “if I was only as skinny as ——, I would be beautiful.” Back then my mom would agree with me – although she says “you are always beautiful, and always have been”… but moms are supposed to say that stuff. We all know that.

I used to wish with all my heart to be skinny, because then I would  be a “real” catch, and I could get a boyfriend and be perfectly happy. Although I still wish to be thinner so I can be at a healthy weight for my height, I dont know how much I can handle before losing “Laura.”

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This next part is the thing that people think, but dont say out loud, so bear with me here…

As I lost weight and became prettier, I started to think I was better than the other girls out there. I had the pretty hair and the pretty face, and I dressed myself pretty well, and I was a virgin… so I was a total catch, right? I used to think that I was the hottest thing that roamed around, and assumed I was being checked out by people all the time. I would see other girls and think “I am prettier than her.” I would see guys and think “I can do better than that.”

All I have to say, is what the heck was I becoming?

I am saying all these things because I can’t deny that after losing weight, I lost my confidence and gained vanity. I looked at myself in the mirror more often and was so focused on myself, I now find it sickening.

I still find fragments of that person inside me every now and then. Right now I only get that feeling when I am all dressed up cute, have high heels on, and usually when I have my hair extensions in, and my makeup is perfect. It takes me a great deal to feel confident in my physical self nowadays because I feel so ugly and out of shape.

When I see myslef in the mirror, I am the girl that will see every “flaw” and imperfection before I notice the good things… I will notice how many zits I have, the scars that are showing through my foundation, that my eyes arent big enough, that my nose is too wide, that my cheekbones arent prominent enough, and my jaw has soft edges vs a nice defined shape, my arms are too flabby, my thighs are too wide, my waist isnt small enough, my love handles are creating a “muffin” on top of my jeans, my legs are short, my boobs arent perfect, and so on…

My mom jokes with me about when I find “the One,” she will know it because he will be “ugly.” — She says this (ps- she is joking), because I have been able to date some pretty good looking guys in the past. Cute dimples, amazing sculpted bodies, beautiful eyes, and just overall pretty hot… — I sometimes wonder if she is right. I worry that I pass judgment onto my list of potential guys, and choose largly based on looks because I judge myself based on my looks.

I wonder what will happen with me when I make it back to 127 lbs. Will I become that nighmare of a person again, or will I learn from that person and hold back on being so full of myself? Did I get my adequate slice of humble pie, or am I going to need to eat the whole thing to get the idea?

The ugly truth of who I really am scares me….. because I dont know who that person is yet.

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