December 7, 2009

Well, let me start this letter off with a big ol’ MERRY CHRISTMAS from the Sunshine State! I hope this Christmas letter finds you well. This is the first EVER Christmas card I have sent out solo, so bare with me… I will do my best!

So I just got done celebrating my 23^rd birthday this week, and wow time flies when you are having fun! I have had so many wonderful things happen during this past year, and I am excited for the next year’s joys and surprises. Only God knows what is coming next for me, and I am excited to see where my life will take me.

As all of you know, I moved to Milton, Florida mid-November this year. As an update on my life down here, I can honestly say I have been enjoying Florida so much and am SO happy where I am. I am blessed to have family and friends here supporting me (Jake, Dana, Brad, Jeff, Katrina, Zeke and Suzie) during the whole move and transition and it has been perfect. God is definitely watching over me closely, and His plan has brought some great opportunities and people into my path.  While here, I have definitely noticed some changes… I have become a southerner for sure. I can be caught drinking sweet tea, sleeping on the beach, and putting on long sleeved clothes when the weather is less than 55 degrees. Ha ha! I am flying home this Christmas to be with my family and friends and should be staying through the New Year, before I grow wings and fly back “home” to Milton. I love it here, but MN will always be my home sweet home.

My nursing job at UniHealth is going very well. I love being a Nurse, and am happy I can finally do what I have wanted to since I was 8 years old. All those years of schooling and a lack of social life are finally behind me, and I get to enjoy the newfound “adulthood” I have entered into. I have been promoted to Nursing Supervisor, and am the Charge Nurse on the 11-7 shift. It is wonderful! Besides that, I am also looking at a Graduate Nursing Residency through Florida Hospital that starts February 2010. I hope to get into their 12 month program where I will rotate through the whole hospital and learn about every area of nursing in-depth. Fingers crossed!!

I am back in training for my goal of completing a marathon while in Florida. My running partner and cousin Jakey-J is there every step of the way, coaching me. It is hard at times, but I know it is going to pay off. I hope to be ready to run my first 10K in January, and build my way up to a half marathon, triathlon and then finally a marathon. I enjoy the relaxation and feeling of accomplishment after a great run (and the wonderful FL weather doesn’t hurt, either!). Gotta love those endorphins!

I am healthy and happy, and still enjoying every day. I am continuing to grow as a person every chance I can, and I sure am staying busy!

I miss everyone back home, and I am eager to hear about all of the latest news when I am back in Minnesota for my visit. Have a GREAT holiday season!!!!

I love you all,

Laurabelle

PS- J It didn’t quite feel like Christmas without snow, so I improvised at Pensacola Beach today and added a Christmas Tree and Santa hat!!!

this is who I am. just me.

I am defined by many different things. I am defined my by faith. My love for the human spirit. Living to see the bright side of things, and keep my glass half-full. To express all of the joy I have inside by smiling constantly. By being a hard worker and a great employee. Giving my patients the compassion and care they need. By hoping that some day, everything will make sense and I will look back with zero regrets. The drive inside me to be liked, to be loved, and to love in return. Being a list maker with all things in my life, and feeling organized when I can write down the things I am feeling. Being a person that falls hard and falls fast. Trusting with all my heart and soul. Being faithful and dedicated. Having a life that is honorable. Working harder to make every day better than the one before. Being passionate about so many things. I am a night owl and an insomniac. I would love to just sit around and do nothing all day… just spend time at the house eating oreos and milk, watching movie after movie. I have a love for baking that only my mom can understand. I enjoy cooking, and making up new recipes as I go. I am hypocrite and I try to own up to it, but its often hard to own up to. I like it when people pay for dinner, dates, etc, but I almost always feel so guilty they are spending money on me – I often pay for the next date. I am open about myself, sometimes too much, and it bites me in the butt later. I have made so many mistakes, but I feel that I learn from each and every one, so they end up being worth it in the end. I am a positive person and always hope for the better. I feel that people don’t hear enough good things every day, and I will do what I can to compliment someone any time I can. I am scared to watch the news 99% of the time, because I am afraid of what our society has done to ruin what God’s has supplied us with. I see God’s miracles in things from the inner workings of the human body, to the details in a flower, to the amazingness of seeing a rainbow of colors created in the sky after it rains. I see tragedy and sadness every day at work, but try and see the light at the end of the tunnel. I believe that psychiatrists often just a sounding board for someone to voice their feelings without judgment, and sometimes all a person needs to do is open up and share. I believe that people rush into marriage too quickly these days, and that our high divorce rates could be significantly lowered if people stopped focusing on the finish line, and paid more attention to the journey in their relationship. I am a person who believes that marriage is sacred, and divorce should never be an option from the beginning. I believe that you fight for what you want, and if you are passionate about something, you will go out of your way to get it or see it or feel it. I believe you can’t always get what you want, no matter how hard you try. Sometimes it’s just not in the cards for you. I am really hard on myself and I am my own worst critic. I strive to be great, and get upset with myself when I don’t achieve my goals. I shut down and become very guarded when I am feeling vulnerable or judged. I want to be a great nurse, more than anything, I want to be that one that everyone goes to, because she works hard and has great experience and knowledge. I know its in my blood to do great things – I come from a long line of successful nurses and carpenters and passionate hard workers. I believe that writing is therapeutic. I believe that you shouldn’t always say what you are thinking, and imagine about what will happen when it comes out. I remind myself that I can never take back spoken words, so I try to be careful to say the right things. I am dyslexic, and it is the worst when I am sleep deprived or nervous. I have many nicknames people have given me over the years… Belle, MPAL, Woowa, suga, witch, babe, LB, elle, Nurse Keeney, and many others… but my least favorite has been “Princess.” Bleh! I hate being called a princess. Black is my favorite color. Not because it is grim and depressing, but because I can mix it with any color in the rainbow, and it is a complimentary color of clothing on just about everyone. I dislike pastel colors, particularly purple, except around Easter time. I love diamonds and old fashioned jewelry, and am picky about how much jewelry I wear. I sleep with a heating pad every pretty much every night to relax my muscles, and because I can only sleep when I am warm. Whenever I get to sleep next to someone, I sleep so soundly and wake up refreshed. That is one reason why I am excited to get married – fall asleep and wake up every day with someone beside me. I dream of the future often, and look forward to the journey of becoming a girlfriend, wife, mother, aunt, and someday a grandma. I know that when I die, I will go to heaven and see my Maker and my Grandpa Hill. I am not afraid to die, although I would hope it is many many years away, while I am old and sleeping in my bed at home. I loved my grandpa Hill with everything I have, and I still love him more and more as the days go on. He was a phenomenal man, and largely because of his example, I have high standards for my life, and aim for the best. My language of love is touch. I feel emotions stronger when I am able to reach out and touch someone, old a hand, settle into the crook of someone’s neck, or even just hug them. It is my happy place. I love being in love. If its with my mom’s puppy, my family, a girl friend, friends or a boy… Love is so powerful, and I have been blessed beyond belief to experience myself.

I am stubborn but flexible. I am outgoing and shy at the same time. I am confident but insecure. I am strong and weak. I openly love but I am guarded. I am lazy but adventurous. I have goals and dreams that will never come to pass, but I have hope. I am determined but unmotivated. I am generous but selfish. I care but I am indifferent.

I am laura anne keeney.

November 13, 2009… I am embarking on a new journey in my life. Moving 1,269 miles away from my family and friends. Driving, I have a loving cousin 2 hours away, another awesome cousin and his wife less than an hour away,  aunt and uncle 3 hours away, and 2 of the most kind and generous friends of family that are letting me stay with them until I get my feet on the ground. Other than those, I am moving solo.

No best friend to hold my hand, no mother to cry on when I’ve had a bad day, no dad to fix the thing I just broke, no boy to cuddle with when I am feeling lonely, no big brother to fix when something goes wrong, and no sister to play dress-up with….

As the time gets closer, I become more and more aware of the choice I have made. What I have done. Wondering, what was I thinking?

I know that this is a huge step in my career and an experience I may never get the opportunity to to again, but it still doesn’t fix all the pressure I can feel building up as each day passes. Each day I feel it grow stronger. I know at some point I am going to crack. Will it be at home, all alone in the middle of yet another sleepless night? Will it be on Glee Wednesday, when I should be singing and laughing, but instead burst into tears? Will I break at my going away party when I see everyone close to me for the last time in… who knows how long? Or will it be when I am hugging my family as I get into my car to drive away….

I am sure many college students go through this feeling, and I assume that most of my friends who went away to state universities or private colleges and left their family behind know how I am feeling. I am not asking for pity or a pat on the back or anything. I am venting, and expressing my worries for this next step in my life.

My brother and sister have both left the house. Steve left when he married Veronica and moved into their place. Beth has left twice, once to venture across the pond to Spain as a foreign exchange student and again to attend Concordia Moorhead college. I remember one of her phone calls like it was yesterday. Beth was bawling on the phone, begging us to send her home from Spain, because she hated it there. My mom, dad and I all cried as we listened to our little Bethie-poo sobbing her misory from thousands of miles away, and we were left without a way to comfort her. It was horrible.

I am nervous for how I will do on my own. I will have people to lean on, so it won’t be like I am 100% on my own, and I will have electronic means of getting in touch with the people I love, but thats not the same as knowing that I can hug them anytime I want, or that I can just drive up to work and drop off lunch for my dad, or walk around the Cath Lab, saying hi to all the wonderful people and take a walk with my mom.

I feel so pathetic, because I am 22 years old, and I shouldnt be scared… But I am.

On the outside, I want people to know that I am excited for this move, and this huge step I have chosen to take. I want them to be happy for me, and not to worry. That is the last thing I would want for my family… To put pressure on themselves to try and help me get through this. But on the inside, I am playing tug-o-war with my feelings, and playing scenarios in my head of what I would do if this happened, or if this other thing happened….. and I was alone….

 

Only time will tell.

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Little heads up for anyone who wants this….

My new Florida address is:
5835 Roy Alex Dr
Milton, FL 32570-8783

Until further notice, my phone number will still be the same (if you don’t have it, just ask, and I’ll send it to you)

Proverbs 15:13 – “A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit.

Nehemiah 8:10 - “Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.’”

As some of you know, my license plate says XPRSJOY… I came up with that vanity plate on the first day of nursing clinicals. I was 35 minutes late, but super excited to begin nursing school. The teachers were doing an ice breaker exercise on an 8 1/2 x 11 inch piece of paper, and every nursing student had to design their own “MN license plate” that described themselves.

There were some pretty darn cute ones, about little white hats, their pets, kids, etc… The teachers were about 3/4 through the class, and I hadn’t thought of my license plate inscription yet, and they were coming to our table. And all of a sudden I came up with my plate!! I came up with my XPRSJOY. The teachers stopped the show-and-tell after who would then become my amazing nursing partner, Shawn, and I was never able to show anyone my ingenious idea for a license plate.

Here is why I came up with XPRSJOY. You are all very smart, and have figured out what it stands for (“express joy”)… but you might not know why I picked those 7 special letters.

Back then, I was the happiest person. I am trying to remember now why I was so happy…. it was late August 2007. I’m pretty sure I was happily single then and working at Applebee’s. I lived at home with my family, and had just begun my last journey to becoming an RN.  I showed my joy every single day, and ALWAYS had a smile on my face. I would jam in my car to music, and not care who was watching, because I was having fun! I would go through an entire day smiling from ear to ear and never question why.

Joy could have been my middle name. It seeped from my pores, and I was ecstatically happy 24/7.  I was confident and vivacious.

Over the past few years, I am not sure what has happened, but the levels of joy in my life have decreased. Failed relationships, stress from school and graduation, NCLEX, lack of a nursing job, inability to go running, loss of faith in myself, losing faith in myself and my abilities, and all the stuff that happens in normal life…

The biggest joy-suck has got to be my past relationships. Churchy guy (aka ‘No-one’), and gym bf #1 and #2. They have sucked the joy out of my life like a needle and syringe to the very core of me. They have destroyed my trust, my faith in guys, my strength, and I often feel worthless and disposable because of what they have put me through.

Each and every one erased me from their lives like I never existed. As far as they are concerned, I never met them, and we never had anything between us… even friendship. They disappeared like a magic trick, and I havent heard from them since our break-ups, etc. I mean, what the heck? I dont think I was the best catch out there for them, but I’m worth a “hi” every now and then, right? … I guess not.

A good friend of mine asked me a bit ago why I didn’t think I was pretty, and he said that “[I know] guys would totally go for you.” And his fiancée said she agreed. With my track history in the past 3 relationships I have been in, I feel very disposable, and has not sat well with my self-esteem. Its not that I am saying I am fat, ugly, or any of those other negative things. I try not to think those things of myself (well… I mean, every now and then every girl has her bad days where she thinks those… right?), but I sometimes wonder. I dont know if guys go for me because of my looks, or smile, or hair color, or whatever anymore. I understand that there are guys out there who I could date, but I now wonder what their intentions are with me. Are they trying to sleep with me, make another girl jealous, using me as a rebound, trying to land the new girl at work first, or are genuinely interested in what is inside my head and heart.

I want to know where all my joy went.

…….Everything from this point up was written over a month ago. I saved a draft of it, and said I would come back to it and change it later… When I wrote it, I was really raw (I’ve smoothed out the edges and edited some stuff to make it a little more reader-friendly since then). As I opened up the draft to this blog today, I was faced with the screaming idea that there was obviously something wrong with me. Was I becoming depressed? As a nurse, I looked back on the words and evidence I had in front of me, I felt like I was looking at someone who was spiraling downward into a dark and bad place.

My pastor said some things last Sunday that really struck me…. He talked about how we put up a facade of what we want people to think we really are, but when we look at ourselves, are we really that person??? I am sure I have put up many facades in my life. Obviously, because nobody had noticed this change in my behavior, and I didnt notice anyone ask me why I was acting ”off”  lately.

I guess when I think of what other people want me to be, it is often a smiling and sometimes overly chipper person. I am always smiling bright, and have a positive attitude on everything. I can run around and be the maid, the housekeeper, the cook, the baker, the babysitter, the cosmetologist, the shoulder to lean on, the seamstress, and the chauffeur… and I can do it all at the same time with a smile on my face.

Its not that I dislike doing those things. Those are often my favorite things to in a group. It gives me purpose, and a reason to be there. Its like I have earned my place in that specific get-together, and nobody can say that I am a ‘mooch’ or unwelcome, because I actually have something to contribute. I am not a funny person, or the life of the party. I am sometimes shy, and don’t want to expose myself to attention. I am not a very opinionated person, so I don’t comment on a lot of things. I don’t play a lot of games, am bad at sports, and am often a home-body. But I do like going out with friends, but as it usually goes with me, the larger the group, the smaller I feel, and the smaller my voice and personality become.

The last guy in my life really did a number on me. He ripped me apart for not being an outdoors person, for enjoying just being at my house for an entire day, not working out 7 days a week, and he trick-sold me on stupid ideas and thoughts that weren’t my own. He insulted my family and hurt my heart.

I hadn’t been able to get a nursing job. I have wanted to be a nurse for as long as I can remember, and once I get the chance, I know I will be great. I love healthcare, and I just want the chance to shine.

As I read this, a lot of it still applies to my life, but things are better.

I have finally been able to put some of the hurt from the last heart dissecting boyfriend behind me, and have somewhat started the healing process when it comes to men. I have gotten a nursing job, and have plans to move 1,300 miles away to start fresh. I have re-connected with my church in a way I have never before. I have a new hope for the goals in my life. I have a great circle of friends and family that hold me up when I feel my spine has been ripped from my back. I have a growing glimmer of hope that my prince charming is really out there. I have co-workers that make me smile and laugh until my face hurts, and they aren’t even trying. My managers and authority figures have been making me feel so worthwhile and valuable, and that is an amazing feeling. My family has been backing me up and pushing me towards my dreams and goals, when I sometimes can’t even begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I am a different person from the raw, hurt, exposed and vulnerable girl who started this blog. I am still fragile in my own ways, and need time to repair, but I am stronger today than I was yesterday. And I am going to keep getting stronger.

Why is it that we all love those feelings we get in the pit of our stomachs we call “butterflies”?

Does it make us feel alive? loved? remembered? important?? What is it about those feelings leave us elated and craving more?

I remember getting butterflies when I was in middle school, when I would simply walk by a cute boy in the hall. My pearly whites would flash and my face flushing as I scurried on by, hoping he didn’t see me looking at him.

Over the years, the butterflies returned during different times. Holding hands. Getting winked at. Being flirted with. Kissing. Teasing. Starting a new job. Looking forward to a date. Being on a great date. Watching a love story on film. Thinking about my future. Singing along to a new song on the radio that hits home. Remembering old times…. and the list could go on and on…

Why is it that when it comes to boyfriends, the butterflies that you once got when your hand brushed his, slowly fade over time? Hand holding doesn’t do it anymore, and we crave that old feeling again, so we move on to kissing, and when kissing doesn’t work, we move on to doing more. Is that feeling really worth losing yourself in a moment?

I say no. I have definitely played with fire before, and caved with the pressures of doing things I never saw myself doing, because of that high feeling I got when my stomach felt like it was tied in knots. There were times I was positive I was going to burst from the inside out if I didn’t scream with excitement, or go out and run around until the energy had been drained from my every cell. You’ve gotta know that feeling… you know, you’re smiling from ear to ear, and you cant even think straight.

Anatomically and medically, the feeling is most likely explained by our bodies sending out a rush of adrenaline. The body’s sudden effort to redistribute blood to the parts of the body that are needed the most when in a crisis (mainly the brain and the large muscle groups), the body shuts down blood flow to less critical areas (like the stomach and skin). The sensation in the stomach is the result of that decrease in blood flow.

But what I ponder, is why in the world do we crave that tingle and those goosebumps? Why must we feel those things when with someone else? To get a ‘connection’ with that other person, or a ‘spark’ that something is going right?

I can admit that I am an addict of the tingle. I have based feelings solely on whether or not I got goosebumps or felt a ‘spark’ with the guy I was with. My best friend Andy never gave me that spark after sophmore year, so I wrote him off as a possible future dating candidate. And all the stupid boys that came into my life that gave me even the slightest tingle, had a first class ticket to my heart… All because I felt something different???

The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. I am aware and admitting to the obvious problem I have before me… basing a potential relationship on the lack of blood flow to my less-than-vital organs. But even if I take the first step, how to I move forward and begin to fix myself of this? Its not like I can tell my body to stop reacting the way it does… Thats physically impossible!

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….So does that mean from this moment forward, I am supposed to think more with my head, and less with my heart?

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Success can make you go one of two ways. It can make you a prima donna, or it can smooth the edges, take away the insecurities, let the nice things come out. -Barbara Walters

I’m insecure about everything, because… I’m never going to look in the mirror and see this blond, blue-eyed girl. That is my idea of what I’d like to look like. -Cher

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I find that sometimes I hate who I am.

I remember in high school, I was this outgoing happy person. I didnt have the best luck in terms of love and relationships (although I still dont have that one mastered yet), but I was happy. I had a bunch of cliques I hung out with, and although I was never one of the “main leaders of the clique” -  I was also never the “outcast” in any particular group (at least I dont think I was).

I have always struggled with my weight, and I have to admit, it is one thing that is on my mind 99% out of every day. I gain weight, then lose, then gain, then lose, and repeat. This rollercoaster is the way my life has been for as long as I can remember.

Pictures are a necessity in the Keeney house, and I find that I spend a lot of time thinking of things between the “ok, ready?” and “say cheese!”…..I wonder if I am at the right angle, if my hair is in my face, if the shirt I am wearing is pulled down enough, if my pants are too tight, if I am sucking in my stomach, if I am in front or behind someone, if I am smiling big enough, if I am smiling too big, if my tongue is sticking out from between my teeth, where my hands are placed…… and the list goes on. You will notice that I pose the same way in the majority of my pictures. Turned at an angle, with one hand on my hip, one leg slightly bent, my hair in front of my shoulders, and a slight tilt in my head. I have found through the many pictures my mom takes, it is the one that looks the best for me, and I stick to it.

Last year, I was at my lowest weight I have ever been (minus puberty and the process of growing up). I was at a record 127 lbs. I was running and working out almost every single day, and kept a food diary for all of my intake. I remember back to that time, and I was so proud of myself and what I had accomplished. Once school became so overwhelming and I had to choose between working out (which I loved with my whole heart) and getting better grades in my RN classes, the choice was unmistakably obvious…. I needed to pass Nursing school.

Now I am back into running again, thanks in big part to my cousin Jakey J. He is so amazingly supportive of me, and is a pure ball of energy when it comes to running and pepping me up. I had wanted to start running months before, but somehow lacked the motivation to start. I was having a hard time transitioning after graduating from nursing school (being busy 24/7 with school, homework, tests, NCLEX, and all my jobs… to only a having 1 job to worry about), and was only getting grief from my bf at the time - all he did was make me feel guilty and was very un-supportive. After becoming single, I felt this rush of freedom and all of a sudden I wanted to go out and do stuff again! I started my half marathon training, started going to the gym again, tried new fun things, went outside and ventured, and I am having a blast. I think God was showing me that this person wasn’t the right one for me, and the only way He was going to get through to me was by going to the extreme, and made me lack drive and motivation to do ANYthing. As my mom always says “hindsight is 20/20.” After the break-up, I looked back, and everything was ALL wrong and there were red flags all over the place that I didnt see or just plain ignored.

I hate it when mom is right

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I find that when I look back on the times when I was “fluffier,” I remember being unhappy about being overweight, but I never really let it get in the way of my personality. I was not defined by my weight back then, but over the years, I have allowed that scale to change who I have become.

I am still a happy, chipper and outgoing person… there is no doubt about that. But I have noticed that my personality has sometimes taken a 180 degree turn, and not for the better.

I used to always think in high school “if I was only as skinny as ——, I would be beautiful.” Back then my mom would agree with me – although she says “you are always beautiful, and always have been”… but moms are supposed to say that stuff. We all know that.

I used to wish with all my heart to be skinny, because then I would  be a “real” catch, and I could get a boyfriend and be perfectly happy. Although I still wish to be thinner so I can be at a healthy weight for my height, I dont know how much I can handle before losing “Laura.”

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This next part is the thing that people think, but dont say out loud, so bear with me here…

As I lost weight and became prettier, I started to think I was better than the other girls out there. I had the pretty hair and the pretty face, and I dressed myself pretty well, and I was a virgin… so I was a total catch, right? I used to think that I was the hottest thing that roamed around, and assumed I was being checked out by people all the time. I would see other girls and think “I am prettier than her.” I would see guys and think “I can do better than that.”

All I have to say, is what the heck was I becoming?

I am saying all these things because I can’t deny that after losing weight, I lost my confidence and gained vanity. I looked at myself in the mirror more often and was so focused on myself, I now find it sickening.

I still find fragments of that person inside me every now and then. Right now I only get that feeling when I am all dressed up cute, have high heels on, and usually when I have my hair extensions in, and my makeup is perfect. It takes me a great deal to feel confident in my physical self nowadays because I feel so ugly and out of shape.

When I see myslef in the mirror, I am the girl that will see every “flaw” and imperfection before I notice the good things… I will notice how many zits I have, the scars that are showing through my foundation, that my eyes arent big enough, that my nose is too wide, that my cheekbones arent prominent enough, and my jaw has soft edges vs a nice defined shape, my arms are too flabby, my thighs are too wide, my waist isnt small enough, my love handles are creating a “muffin” on top of my jeans, my legs are short, my boobs arent perfect, and so on…

My mom jokes with me about when I find “the One,” she will know it because he will be “ugly.” — She says this (ps- she is joking), because I have been able to date some pretty good looking guys in the past. Cute dimples, amazing sculpted bodies, beautiful eyes, and just overall pretty hot… — I sometimes wonder if she is right. I worry that I pass judgment onto my list of potential guys, and choose largly based on looks because I judge myself based on my looks.

I wonder what will happen with me when I make it back to 127 lbs. Will I become that nighmare of a person again, or will I learn from that person and hold back on being so full of myself? Did I get my adequate slice of humble pie, or am I going to need to eat the whole thing to get the idea?

The ugly truth of who I really am scares me….. because I dont know who that person is yet.

On Facebook, one of my favorite notes posted was when I had to name 16 things about myself… I loved writing down weird quirks I had, and getting the feedback on what people thought…. It was almost a freeing moment, to get that stuff out there and show people who I was…

These are some parts of the two previous posts…

• I chew and swallow practically every piece of gum I chew. Peppermint is the only kind I can chew for more than a minute without wanting to swallow it right away. My dad does it, and I guess I inherited that habit from him.
• I am a hopeless romantic. I love the way things used to be, when they guy would take charge and be the MAN in the relationship. Planning and paying for dates, and just taking care of their girl.
• I LOVE my BlackBerry phone. I don’t know what I would do, or how I would function without that thing.
• When my grandpa Hill died, I promised myself that I would do everything I could to never take another person for granted, and I would enjoy my time with them. I also know what true love is because of my grandparents, and I promised my family I would never settle for anything less than THAT kind of TRUE love.
• I love asking questions and finding out about people I care about.
• I cry like a baby on every episode of “Extreme Makeover Home Edition”, and go through every emotion possible during the movies “The Notebook” and “A Walk to Remember.”
• When I watch Gossip Girl/One Tree Hill with my girls, I feel like there isn’t a worry in the world, and everything is right for once. Mondays are sacred time for me, and I dont want to change a thing about it. Eating dinner and enjoying dessert if I decided to bring one that week at the Topps… Joking around with Duane, and just spending some quality time talking to Chris is great. Going down to the entertainment room with a blanket, talking only during commerical breaks, and just getting caught up in the show like it’s my life, my friends, my struggles… is priceless.
• My mom is my best friend in the whole world — and I really, honestly and sincerely feel sorry for people who don’t get along with theirs.
• I love being at the hospital, taking care of really sick patients…. I cannot wait for the day when I can be an RN at Mercy, in the ICU or on 4Heart.
• I want to learn more about the game of Football… I have wanted to for a while now. Players, positions, etc.
• I have a ‘forte’ of people not following through with what they have promised me. I am hoping one day someone will break that trend and actually do something when they say they will!
• I have given my heart to people; and had it stomped on, crushed, shattered, broken, and every other adjective in the book. And although I am still broken inside some days, I am choosing to push through the pain, because I know that some day everything will turn out, and I will be happy like I was before.
• I love looking at wedding pictures. It doesn’t matter if I know the person at all. I love seeing the look on the girl’s face, and when pictures are caught right when the guy is completely lost in the moment with his (future) wife. You know the look, where he is just in his own world, and the only two there are him and his girl. I am really excited for the day when I get to be on the other side of the camera, and get lost in the moment with the man I love. I look forward to my wedding day often, and even though I am not in a place right now where I feel comfortable getting hitched, the feeling is always there….
• Sometimes I have dreams that seem so real, I wake up and wonder if it really happened. Other times, I sleep so hard (often dreamless nights) I wake up and look around, wondering where the heck I am.
• My favorite beverage is H2O. I know, nerdy, but I love it!
• I want to own a Doberman Pincer with pricked ears someday. Our family used to have this amazing one named Rex. He was 125 pounds of sheer muscle and he was gorgeous. I could almost ride him around the house like a pony, and when my sister and I took him on walks, we had to use one of the horse lead ropes! The cool thing about Rex was, even though he looked fierce, he was so gentle and kind. R.I.P. Rex.
• I want to ride a horse again. Just go out in the country, and just ride… I used to have 4 horses, and I have missed them ever since we sold them.  I hope someday I can ride again. Until then, I will keep watching Seabiscuit and live vicariously through Toby Maguire. Lol.

Here is a list of some new things about me that I can put out there…..

• I dislike orange. Orange clothes make me look ill (my mom says so). And when it comes to food, the artificial orange flavoring is nasty! I haven’t really found any food that is “artifical” orange that I like…. Starburst, ice cream, skittles, pop.. its all gross to me!
• So You Think You Can Dance… Oh, how I wish I was one of those girls! I think that dancing is so beautiful, and what I wouldn’t give just to be able to stretch my leg up into a vertical splits.. I think it is so graceful and pretty!
• I find bubble baths to be one of the most relaxing, calming and enjoyable things I do at home. I love the water. No matter what kind of water (except murky, gross water), I love being in it! My showers at home are pretty long, and I could be in there for hours, just staying warm. When I was younger, I had a season pass to the Charles Horn Swimming Pool (Now the Anoka Aquatic Center), and I would spend hours upon hours in the water, and my nickname was “fish” for years. I don’t know what it is about water that I am attracted to, but I love it!
• I am a chronic, sometimes OCD, list maker. I write down everything from my “to do list” for the day/week, to the things I want for my bday, plans for the future, wedding ideas (no, Im not engaged… I just wish I was sometimes), future home decoration ideas, questions to ask on a date, great first date ideas, and the list goes on. I enjoy being organized, and knowing that I am not missing anything because I may have forgotten it.
• I have been taught by my lovely mother that you can never take “too many” pictures. She is an avid picture taker, and asks for pictures of every occasion, night out, night in, get-together, etc. I admit that at the time, taking pictures can sometimes be a hassle, but when all is said and done, I LOVE going back through my camera, and being able to remember everything that happened. I have made a few scrapbooks in my life, and being able to pick from a variety of pictures is always a blast. I get to use my creative side and play with it all.
• I find it truly amazing when a song cuts into the deepest part of you, and makes you feel things that you wouldn’t feel otherwise. Music makes me happy, sad, joyful, serious, humble, silly, and many others. There are specific songs that I can play to get myself in a specific mood. I am brought back to specific times and places when certain songs come on. It brings me back to high school, or a hard time I worked through, or the happiest days I have ever had… I think music is a true blessing to have.
• There are so many times in my life when I take all the things I have for granted. I enjoy the times when God serves me up a piece of humble pie, and I am with it enough to recognize what has been shown to me. When I look at my life, and what I have, I should feel nothing but gratitude, but that is not always the case. I want to be a better person, who’s glass is always half full, and doesn’t take so many things for granted on a daily basis.
• I am fiercely protective of my family and what people think about them. One of the last guys I dated didn’t like my family, and it was a HUGE problem with our relationship. I can’t have a working relationship – with a friend, boyfriend, co-worker, etc – who doesn’t like my family. I mean seriously… have you met them?  They’re fantastic!
• I want to be just like my grandma Hill when I am old. My family and I all fight over who gets to hug her first after church on Sundays… My dad will take off in a sprint across the pews to try and attack her first… its so funny!
• I am a sucker for soft fabrics. When I am shopping, many times I will just grab an arm or chunk of fabric, and feel it for a little bit. If I don’t like how it feels, I will not try it on. If I am on the fence with a piece of clothing, and if it has a soft fabric, I usually try it on.
• I own a LOT of shoes. Looking at the back of my door right now, I can count 31 pairs of shoes…. not including the 20 flip flops I have, the 30 pair that are up in my mom’s room, the shoes in my car, the ones in the entry way, the shoes Beth took to college, and the 20 or so pairs that are upstairs in the spare bedroom/office….. You could say I have a problem, but I don’t think it’s bad at all! Shoes make me happy, and they always fit (can’t say the same about clothes!). Not to mention that mom, Beth and I have the same size feet so we share!!!
• My friend Andy knows this part of me the best…. When I get lost in my car (especially in Mpls or St Paul), I freak out. I get scared, and jittery. I often have to call him to “walk me through” getting out of where I am…. I get very anxious and it makes everything worse. Another friend of mine, Kelsey, and I went to Chicago for a random road trip a few years back and we got so lost trying to find our way to Best Buy off the freeway (just to buy the soundtrack to Grease so we could jam to it the whole way home), I had a panic attack – drove the wring way down a one way street – made a dead stop in a right turn lane when the light was green – and cried so much a guy stopped and helped us… Embarassing!!!
• My comfort foods are: KRAFT macaroni and cheese, grilled cheese and tomato soup, tuna casserole, ice cream and pizza. Depending on what I am de-stressing from determines what I am going to find comfort in…
• I dont sleep with any pillows under my head. My bed is decorated with 7 pillows, but if I want to get a good night’s sleep, I will push them all off the bed and sleep flat. I don’t know why I find it comfortable, but it is to me!!!
• I severely enjoy serving people at the restaurant. I don’t know why I get such joy from it, but I do! I knew I was missing the restaurant business (when I was just working the hospital – no 2nd job), when I would run to the kitchen to get a patient a turkey sandwich, ice cream, soup, etc… I really missed it, and didn’t even realize it!
• “The Question Game” has been something my mom and I have been doing since I was a freshman in high school. Asking a person questions is an easy way to open up conversation, and can often lead to a care-free conversation. But one of my biggest pet-peeves is when I am the only  one doing all the question-asking! I mean, don’t you want to reverse any of them? Lol. My mom taught me that early on.
• I love love love love love candle-light. When I was younger, and lived upstairs in the turrett, I was burning candles during a family get-together… For some reason I had to leave and accidentally left them all burning, and set off the smoke alarms! My mom will never let me live that one down… But I am more careful with the candles nowadays.

… I don’t know if anyone wants me to keep going, so I am going to call it a night and give up for now….

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Here is some more (Grandma Hill and Krystal!)

• I come from a fammily of Toyota lovers. My brother is a master mechanic at Carlson Toyota in Coon Rapids (ps- he does great work, so if you ever need a good, honest mechanic, he will hook you up!). Our family get togethers look like a dealership for Toyota cars. We have 4 Corollas (Veronica, my mom, my sis and mine), a Toyota Matrix (dad), a Toyota truck (family car), and until recently, we had another Toyota car that used to be my sisters. It is awesome when get all of our cars together. Haha.
• If you ever see me out on the road, I won’t see you 99% of the time. I am in my own little world, and most of the time, I am dancing and singing along to some silly song, and I probably would deny that it was me in the car if you ever brought it up…
• I enjoy thinderstorms and lightening. I think they are facinating. Ask my sister about storms, and she will start to get pale in the face, and dart for the basement. That girl was so scared one day during a storm, she called me at work and begged me to come home… and drive my (then) tiny little 2 door Rav4 through a Tornado warning to get home to her…. Uh, NO thank you!
• I love cutting hair. I am no stylist, but I have cut my friends and some of my family’s hair when they come to visit the house. I have even cut my own hair twice, and it didnt look too shabby. I dont ever want to cut someone’s hair for a job, but it is kind of fun playing around with the clipper and shears… (besides my own, I have not cut any other female’s hair… I stick to the guys – its easier!)
• When I am listening to music and there is harmony, I get goosebumps. I don’t know enough to know what kinds of harmony makes my hair stick straight up, but it definietely does. (the pilot episode of Glee has a song at the end that gave me the shivers!)
• No matter how hot it is outside, or what the weather is like, I always have a blanket with me. I feel comfortable knowing I am covered up!
• I have been on some pretty spectacular dates in my life. I have guys who have treated me so well, and most of them were never boyfriends of mine… I can’t quote figure that one out…… Some of my favorites were: Broadway shows in NYC with the family, when Dustin and I dressed up like movie stars (he was in his Marine blues) and was taken to a beautiful french restaurant with a beautiful Mpls carriage ride after (and then to WalMart for snacks and a movie when we got home!),Brian and I had a progressive dinner at two of my favorite restaurants and I got dressed up in a new dress, Underwater World in the MOA, a dinner boat cruise, a surprise massage and then dinner at Fogo De Chao for Valentine’s day, Ruth’s Chris (where I was a stand-in for my cousin Jakey J) with Ashley, Buona Sera with Derek, and then again when Rafaelle (the owner) bought my entire meal!, ics skating around Centennial Lakes, to the Nutcracker Ballet with Brian, and so many more… I can’t even begin to write them all down…
• My mother also comments every time I get a new bouquet of flowers saying “Laura has gotten more flowers in her ## years, than I have in my entire life!” If I can try to remember them all, I have gotten flowers from: my mom, dad, sister and her bf, my brother and sis-in-law, grandparents, friend’s parents, Andy J, Derek S, Dustin D, Braden L, Matt M, Khalan C, Mike K, Jason R, Connor B, Rick D, Dave G, Megan/Brianna/Jada, Trent W, Shawn F, Brian S, and more I am sure…
• When I was in high school, I was on the colorguard, went to band camp, and had a crush on a drummer. I was a nerd…
• As all of you know, I am a nurse. And I can handle practically anything… Guts and bones and things sticking out of people’s eyes is pretty cool, but snot – - I cannot handle that very well. My gag reflex is initiated when I hear the sound of snot being spit up, or see that nasty gross stuff….. I guess we all have our weaknesses
• I love love love New York City. It is one of my favorite places to go, thanks to my parents. My da does work in an apartment in Manhatten, and we have been blessed to be able to stay in this rediculously expensive and nice apartment for free when my dad works there. That might be why I like it so much – because I dont have to worry about hotel costs… I know I am saving a lot of money because of the connections we have (ps- THANKS Claudio!)
• When I was younger, I was obsessed with the Titanic. I wanted to know everything about that ship, and read all about it like my life depended on it! Now there is a Science Museum Artifact Exhibit going on until January, and I am dying to see it! (but again with the forte of people not following up, the guy who was supposed to take me vanished out of thin air! no surprise there!)
• I am dyslexic and  I had a hard time with saying things correctly (often words and sentences that sound good in my head come out WAY wrong!), and getting numbers screwed up. Not many people know that about me….

…its wierd… some of these topics and random facts just fly right out of my head onto the keyboard, and others I have to really think about….. hmm… I’ll take that as a sign for “enough about me.”

Now… TELL ME a random fact (or two, or three, or more) about YOU…

Please? Everyone who read/reads my blog, please put something down so I can learn something about you!

(and also its kind of a cool way to figure out who actually reads my stuff – besides Ashley, my grandma Hill and Krystal…. )

Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease?

♥ ♥ ♥

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.” — Neil Gaiman

 

Heartbreak should be my middle name. 

I am a person who trusts. I am a person who loves. I am a person who enjoys being in a relationship. I love the feeling of having someone to love, who will love me back. Although there are times when I have been single, and loved it more than anything – deep down inside I will always want to be someone’s “girl.” I believe that these parts of me have caused me a lot of pain and suffering, because I trust people so openly and give the full, true me in relationships, that when they come crashing down, I am left in the rubble wondering “what just happened?”

I pride myself in being a hopeless romantic, who never gives up on my happily ever after. I have watched my brother and sister grow up and be with these amazing people (V and Randy), and I can’t help but be envious of what they have. I have tears in my eyes as I write this, because although I put up a tough facade, I wish so deeply that I had someone to love like they have, it makes me cry. I had always thought I was going to be the first person in the family to be married, because I was the one who always put themselves out there in terms of dating and relationships, and I wanted it the most over both Steve and Beth. I always thought I was going to follow in line with my parents and get married very young and have kids in my young 20′s. I mean, Mr. Right isn’t that hard to find……… right?

Steve and Veronica met in high school, and married each other at 20 and 21 years old. I had never really pictured Steve in a relationship until he was old, because he was so focused and driven in high school, he didn’t have time for girls. He was a classic “motor head” and “band geek.” The day I knew Veronica was going to be my future sister in-law was the day she sat out in the shop with Steve while he worked on a car. I loved that she would rather sit around watching him work on a piece of junk car, than be at home without him there. It makes my heart swell. They are such a lovely couple, and I am so happy to have them in my life. Veronica is this amazingly smart woman with a heart full of joy and compassion. Steve is a phenominally talented man, and he is filled with such joy and energy, it makes me envious. They will make wonderful kids and I have no doubt that their genes together are going to make the next generation of Einsteins.

Beth is also a person who I didnt see in a relationship until later. She is a woman who stands up for herself and speaks her mind, whether you want to hear it or not. I honestly didn’t know who was going to be able to keep up with her and the mood swings she had a few years back. Then Randall came along, and he has been a blessing to her. They compliment each other in a way that I can’t even begin to describe. It is amazing, the steps they have taken together as a couple, to grow and mature into these young adults that stand before me today. Beth keeps my heart beating when I feel like it just wants to stop, and I couldnt ask for a better man for her than Randy. I am excited for the day when she tells me she is finally engaged, and for the day when she walks down the isle in her beautiful white gown, and I get to see my little sister become Mrs. Randall Syrstad. 

I have had numerous opportunities to be with men who were “almost” Mr. Right. I feel like I could settle for something a little short of what I saw as perfect, but these people and their stories stop me in my tracks. I have them to thank for my future husband, whoever he may be, because if it werent for the amazing examples I have had in my life, I may have never had the chance to be with him.

My mom and dad, and my grandma and grandpa Hill are the quintessential couples in my book. They have such a deep love for each other, that shows every single day. I see love in my parents eyes when they see each other after work, when they go out to dinner with the family, when they are watching the TV together, goofing around, working around the house, talking on the phone to each other, even when they are fighting, going out on a date, and everything in-between. They dont just say “I love You,” but they show it on a daily basis. My parents and grandparents have taught me how important it is to have faith and friendship at the foundation of your relationship, and I couldnt agree with them more. Both of the men that are held so highly in my book started out with questionable faith. The women and their parents stood up for their beliefs in faith and being saved, and both my father and grandfather stepped up to the plate to become what they needed to be to be worthy of marrying these women. 

I have hope for my future, because I know that God has the perfect man out there for me. I have struggled with the failed attempts at happily ever after….. Andy, Connor, Ricky, and more; some leaving with a bigger chunk of my heart than others. Nonetheless, I have learned from each and every heartbreak I have endured, and believe that each time I have been given the opportunity to grow from that experience and see why God put them in my life. Regrets are evident in some, and if I could go back, I might do things differently to protect myself from the eels, dux and tinmen of my time. 

So to the amazing examples of true love I have witnessed closely, or from afar, thank you. Thank You for showing me what I have to look forward to, and for keeping my hopeless romantic heart together enough to keep my fairytale ending alive….

 

♥ 

Marilyn & Kermit. Paul & Ginny. Steve & Veronica. Beth & Randy.

Jeff & Katrina. Sam & Rachel.

Duane & Chris. Lindsey & Dan. Kari & Donny. Steph & Brandon.

Amelia & Oljas. Mark & Deb. 

Anitrina & Grant. Jill & Josh. Autumn Rose & John.

Back when my mother was a new nurse, she was given the opportunity to wear a phenominally stylish white dress to work, sexy (kidding) white shoes, and this adorable white hat. Although I am extremely happy that I was blessed to graduate in a world where I can choose my own multi-colored scrubs every shift, I sometimes I wish I had that cute little hat. It was such an identifying factor on who was a nurse. Doctors were in white coats, volunteers looked like life-sized candy canes, and the nurses were in knee-length white dresses.  I think that white is an extremely poor choice in attire for a hospital or clinic setting (you don’t want to know what gets on your clothes every shift… maybe thats why all the scrub tops now-a-days are covered with patterns; distracting you from that smear of who-knows-what that has been on your sleeve for half your shift), it was still a pretty cool look.

I have graduated into the nursing world this year, at one of the worst times. The economy has forced the hospitals in my area to go on a hiring freeze, and many of the healthcare facilities have been forced to lay off hard-working employees just to make budget. I have been looking for, and trying to get a nursing job since April 2009. Unfortunately, I cannot get a job as a new graduate to gain experience, and the only jobs open are ones for experienced RNs. Tough luck.

So… drumroll please… I am moving to Florida! There is a hospital in Pensacola, FL where I am applying this week. I have been spending the last 2 weeks preparing my FL RN license transfer and I have finally submitted all my paperwork. I will know within the next 6 weeks when everything is finalized.

I have wanted to be an RN for so long, I can’t remember the age I finally decided it was what I wanted to do. Maybe around age 8? I have no idea. All I know was when my mom came home from working a night shift in the ICU at Mercy, she was telling us a story about a man who had to have his chest cracked open in the room, and I was hooked. I have heard work stories of my mom holding a man’s amputated foot in a plastic bag, crazy and hectic Code Blues, adrenaline-junkie RNs, drunks, suicides, those stories that make you want to cry and miracle survivals.

I am very excited for the day when I will be in the ICU, and can follow in my mother’s footsteps. I want to be able to come home to my kids, and tell them about how I saved a man’s life last night. I want to inspire someone to work in the medical field, because it is the most rewarding feeling… being there for someone when they are as low as they have ever been in their life. Giving hope and compassion. It is what I was born to do.

I am thrilled for this new chapter and journey in my life. I don’t know what Florida has in store for me, or where it will take my life… but I am eager to watch it all unravel, and take the most out of it as I can. I know I will have family and friends around me for support, so I am not scared to venture off on my own to grow.

Eyes closed and fingers crossed, I will step out into the world and blind them all…

… I am not sure where to begin. I have written and erased ten first lines to this blog, and I am still lost on exactly what I want to say or where I want to go with this. Ashley took the line “Why blog?” and I can’t plaigarize a teacher and get away with it…

It has been years since I have written all of my feelings down on paper in my journal. This blog is going to be my electronic version of the pink journal my mother gave me in High School after my “first love” broke my heart. I used that little book for every possible emotion and occasion that would come up. Reality or dream-world, that journal was my way to  vent what I didn’t have the courage to admit or say aloud, and write down the hopes and dreams I had for my future.

I find it intruiging how people are able to express themselves. Some paint, some work out, some write, sone sing, some fight, and the list goes on. I have always been a list-maker, and I have found over the past few months that the way I am able to express myself (whether I am conscious of it or not), is through words. Once my best friend started blogging, I started getting this feeling of excitement and had those faint memories of years back, when I would just be lost in a quickly filling blank page and a pen.

Now, I am not the best at writing. I don’t claim to be any good at this. I have read other people’s blogs and notes on Facebook, and I am envious of how they can put together these amazing stories and word everything so well. I am my most clear during the night hours, so if I ever blog at night, know that those are my best pieces… no joke. I find sometimes after I am written an email at work (night shift at the hospital), I will go back and read it the next day, and barely recognize myself in the typed words. I wish I was like that 24/7, but I guess my witty-worded self only comes out when nobody can see.

I am excited for this new journey I am embarking on with the blog, and am curious as to how this will be worked into my life. I am hopeful that I will get that old spark back for writing.If I could get anything out of this experience, I am hoping I may be able to touch a person’s life, even if only one. I have learned so much over the years, and I hope that I may be able to inspire someone with my life stories.